Exit 4 - Weekend

I decided after last weekends shenanigans which were the motivation for this blog, I needed to take some steps to get myself back into balance and within some reasonable sense of control. I realized that I was really struggling and needed to change paths. One of the main things that I decided to change was that for the time being, I needed to remove alcohol from my life. This is not because I feel, in any way, that I have a drinking problem. What I found is that alcohol exaggerates everything when I am somewhat unbalanced and emotionally charged. this all came to a head last weekend and I became not only very emotional, but I also lost recollection of a chunk of time last Saturday night. I somehow became EXTREMELY intoxicated and I'm not really quite sure how it happened. I don't think that I drank more than I usually would have done on a night out with friends. I believe that since I was already feeling somewhat down and out that I was much more vulnerable to the effects of the vodka sodas that are my drink of choice. Even after being reminded of the nights events, there are portions that I am not able to recollect, at all. This is kind of a scary thing because not only is it alarming to have periods of time that you can't remember, but it is also quite dangerous to be in that state.

So, I have removed alcohol from my life. What I discovered is that not only have I had to actually alter my actions, but this has required that I alter the way that I have had to think about being around people and social situations. One very surprising thing that I encountered was people's reaction when I told them that I was only having club soda. People acted shocked, even frightened, upon hearing this. It was almost as if I had in some way or another insulted them. That was a pressure I had not anticipated. I had to redirect my thoughts to something D had told me previously. She told me once that I should consider think about things in the manner that if something isn't good for me, I shouldn't do it. So, in considering whether or not to have a drink to make other people comfortable, I decided that it simply isn't good for me right now. I made sure to pay careful attention to my participation, though. I wanted to make sure that I was still as engaged with the crowd as I would have been had I been drinking, even more so than I would have normally been. It was kind of test that I gave myself. I needed to show myself that it was not the alcohol that gave my the fuel to be a part of the crowd; that I could do it just by being there and making the conscious effort to engage myself. Did I miss the the drinking last night? I think I did, yes, at first. But then it kind of slipped out of my thoughts. I don't really think I noticed, after a little while, that I wasn't drinking. I especially liked it this morning when I woke up with a clear head and having a great night's sleep. I was able to get up, clean up a little and get my day going. It was quite a nice feeling. After a week of not having any alcohol, I also felt somewhat perky and clean, for lack of a better word. I haven't had those sluggish mornings that so often accompany a night/evening of drinking.

Another thing that I noticed is that I was not as nearly concerned with the typical bullshit that I worry about when out in a social setting. All those thoughts of worrying about what other people think about me and those negative thoughts telling me all the lies were thankfully less persistent. I think I was more able to be objective when they decided to try to enter my thoughts. I was able to see through the muck and calm myself down. By doing this, I was somehow able to stay in the moment. It was pretty great.

While this has been great, I do not think that it's a permanent solution. I definitely think that I need to find a way to incorporate alcohol in moderation into my life. This is not a task that I have been particularly successful with over the past couple of months. This is something that I need to work on. For now, though, I am happy that I have seen some benefits from this decision I ave made. I need to make sure that I am at an even keel before I reintroduce alcohol into my life. I think that will be the real test.