Exit 7 - The year End/Begining

New Year's is such a peculiar time. In some ways it is completely wonderful and in others, it is quite difficult. It is a time when we are supposed to reflect upon the year that has passed and also make plans for year that is just being born. We make resolutions and promises to ourselves to improve upon those things that we have either neglected or failed at over the last 365 days. At the same time, we are supposed to reflect upon all of our triumphs and accomplishments. I find it difficult to both look at the past and the future at the same time with through rose colored glasses. I don't understand how some people do it.

New Years is particularly difficult for the single and lonely. While I am completely surrounded by people that love me, whether they be friends or family, I still have not been able to grasp a relationship of my own. It is another year gone and sadly to say, it is the first year in the past decade that I can say that i have not had a romantic relationship of any form. At no point over the past 365 days would I say that I have been able to call anyone my boyfriend and vice-versa. This has not been a good year for me in that regards. People keep telling me to be patient and that it will happen when "I least expect it." I do indeed worry that I am getting to point that not only do I not expect it, but rather, I have lost my hope and faith in it. I also find that those people that tell me to be patient are those that are in relationships themselves. It is very disheartening. In 10 years, am I going to be sitting here...still alone? In 20, 30? Am I doomed to always roam around on my own? I know it's silly, but unfortunately this time of year totally brings out these thoughts.

That's not to say that the recent year has not been good to me, though. I have done quite well at work. My family and friends are still ever-important and supportive of me. They keep me in this big game of life.

My resolutions:
1. Get more serious about exercising and eating more healthy
2. Like myself a little more every day.


Hope you had a great 2007 but ,even more than that, I hope that your 2008 is nothing less than stellar!

D

Exit 6

So this past weekend brought the arrival of a long-awaited Christmas tree trimming party that is annually hosted by a close friend of mine. In light of the recent circumstances of my being, I decided that while I didn't want to strictly prohibit myself from drinking at the party, that I should limit myself. Well, I can report that neither of those options happened. Instead, I like most of the people attending the party, over-indulged myself and ended up with a nasty hang-over the next morning. While I didn't accomplish my goal of limiting myself, I was able to stop myself from repeating the mistakes that I made two weeks ago.

In fact, I was surprisingly able to attempt to mount some of my social anxieties. I typically feel extremely awkward when talking to people that I don't know very well. It is they, and not strangers that cause me a majority of the stress that I feel when out. Typically, I assume that I am unmemorable. Rather than have that verified by being introduced, AGAIN to those people, I simply avoid them all together. It is a truly self full filling prophecy because by hiding and slinking away, I am inevitably becoming unmemorable. So, this weekend I decided that while in the safety of a friend's home to try and surmount these fears. I went up and introduced myself to those people I hadn't met before and attempted to initiate conversations with these I had. When someone acted as though they didn't remember me, I offered the situations at which we had been previously introduced. It was definitely an awkward and uncomfortable situation for me, but I believe I am stronger for having undertaking the task.

Although I felt horrible on Sunday, I did have some feeling that I had made some progress in overcoming some fears that tend to stop me from easily meeting new people. I had to forgive myself for over indulging in the the beverages and told myself I still need to work on monitoring that. But i had to forgive myself, which is not an easy thing to do. I would forgive any other person for that. Why was is so much harder to forgive myself?

But with the success of the party for me personally, I feel empowered that next time, I will be a little more confident and even more able to address those fears and anxieties when they decide to rear the nasty little heads.

Exit 5 - Shhh

So I don't really have much to say tonight, but I wanted to write something down just to keep the habit of placing my thoughts on the virtual paper. Over the course of the day today, I had a couple of revelations that made me feel quite good about my life. I don't really know why I have labeled them revelations because they are truths that I have already known. Have you ever had a moment though when a thought pops into your mind, be it new or old, and it somehow appears bright and clear? If it is a new thought, we call it an epiphany. If it's some familiar thought, the patina of time has somehow been washed away to reveal the truth once more.

Well, I had several of these come back to me today. Early in the morning, a friend of mine was talking about how he really loves his mother. I then thought, you know what?...I really love my mother. I have never met a person that is more thoughtful and selfless than she is. Thinking about her made me really thankful that I simply know her. The fact that I am her son is just a perk, really. She is a fine lady...a true lady. It seems completely unfair that there are so many people who have not had someone like her protecting, teaching and loving them. This is another one of mother nature's inequities that seems so completely unfair. I realized that I could not have asked for any better blessing.

Secondly, I realized how important my friend, Larry, is to me. That's not to say that I don't have other friends that are important to me, or that I don't realize what they mean to me, but Larry gets the cupcake today. While texting with him today, it was so obvious how much he cares about me. He truly cares about my well-being and my growth. I haven't been the easiest person to be around lately, but he has never faltered in his attempts to hang with me and he has continuously and tirelessly been my cheerleader. It is just really nice to know that even when the times seem dark that there are those who will walk in the dark with you.

I don't know that any of these thoughts were life-altering, but they definitely made my day better. Thinking about them also made me hope that I somehow return those feelings of love and safety. I think that's one of the greatest gifts you can give someone.

One other thought that I have been mulling over for the past couple of days came about when I was sitting on the bus on my way to work last Friday. It became apparent, and I'm not sure how or why, but I realized I walk around with a chip on my shoulder; expecting people to get out of my way, and basically looking at them with a critical and judging eye. Then I thought about all the energy I put into judging and criticizing other people. Did the serve any purpose? Did that somehow make me a better person? Did that make me feel better about myself. The answer to all three of those questions was a resounding "no." So, I decided that instead of being mad at strangers or finding fault in their appearances and actions, I would try to find compassion for those people...for all people. I would take myself out of the equation of their lives. We are all just people trying to do the best we can in this world that is constantly trying to break us down. I have caught myself going back to my bad habits, but I have been able to stop those negative thoughts...and it's all because it is something I am aware of now.

Being aware is a pretty powerful tool.

Exit 4 - Weekend

I decided after last weekends shenanigans which were the motivation for this blog, I needed to take some steps to get myself back into balance and within some reasonable sense of control. I realized that I was really struggling and needed to change paths. One of the main things that I decided to change was that for the time being, I needed to remove alcohol from my life. This is not because I feel, in any way, that I have a drinking problem. What I found is that alcohol exaggerates everything when I am somewhat unbalanced and emotionally charged. this all came to a head last weekend and I became not only very emotional, but I also lost recollection of a chunk of time last Saturday night. I somehow became EXTREMELY intoxicated and I'm not really quite sure how it happened. I don't think that I drank more than I usually would have done on a night out with friends. I believe that since I was already feeling somewhat down and out that I was much more vulnerable to the effects of the vodka sodas that are my drink of choice. Even after being reminded of the nights events, there are portions that I am not able to recollect, at all. This is kind of a scary thing because not only is it alarming to have periods of time that you can't remember, but it is also quite dangerous to be in that state.

So, I have removed alcohol from my life. What I discovered is that not only have I had to actually alter my actions, but this has required that I alter the way that I have had to think about being around people and social situations. One very surprising thing that I encountered was people's reaction when I told them that I was only having club soda. People acted shocked, even frightened, upon hearing this. It was almost as if I had in some way or another insulted them. That was a pressure I had not anticipated. I had to redirect my thoughts to something D had told me previously. She told me once that I should consider think about things in the manner that if something isn't good for me, I shouldn't do it. So, in considering whether or not to have a drink to make other people comfortable, I decided that it simply isn't good for me right now. I made sure to pay careful attention to my participation, though. I wanted to make sure that I was still as engaged with the crowd as I would have been had I been drinking, even more so than I would have normally been. It was kind of test that I gave myself. I needed to show myself that it was not the alcohol that gave my the fuel to be a part of the crowd; that I could do it just by being there and making the conscious effort to engage myself. Did I miss the the drinking last night? I think I did, yes, at first. But then it kind of slipped out of my thoughts. I don't really think I noticed, after a little while, that I wasn't drinking. I especially liked it this morning when I woke up with a clear head and having a great night's sleep. I was able to get up, clean up a little and get my day going. It was quite a nice feeling. After a week of not having any alcohol, I also felt somewhat perky and clean, for lack of a better word. I haven't had those sluggish mornings that so often accompany a night/evening of drinking.

Another thing that I noticed is that I was not as nearly concerned with the typical bullshit that I worry about when out in a social setting. All those thoughts of worrying about what other people think about me and those negative thoughts telling me all the lies were thankfully less persistent. I think I was more able to be objective when they decided to try to enter my thoughts. I was able to see through the muck and calm myself down. By doing this, I was somehow able to stay in the moment. It was pretty great.

While this has been great, I do not think that it's a permanent solution. I definitely think that I need to find a way to incorporate alcohol in moderation into my life. This is not a task that I have been particularly successful with over the past couple of months. This is something that I need to work on. For now, though, I am happy that I have seen some benefits from this decision I ave made. I need to make sure that I am at an even keel before I reintroduce alcohol into my life. I think that will be the real test.

Exit 3 - Change

No one likes change. Most of us are happy to stay snuggled in our little worlds; our cocoons of safety and familiarity. While we rest there, it is much easier to turn your back to the nasties that life can throw at you. But what happens when this little cocoon of familiarity is really a cocoon of bad habits, a cocoon of untruths, a cocoon that is dangerous and harmful? What then? These can be just as familiar and comforting, but they are also disillusioning, deceptive and cruel. Bad habits can sometimes feel safe because they don't force you to face life and step outside your comfort zone. By this fear and inability to face change, you allow these bad habits to become more and more the norm; a norm that may not be normal at all. Before you know it, these bad habits become reality...what then? What do you do when you have to change? What do you do when you have that "Eureka!" moment where you realize that if you don't change your ways that something bad is going to happen? Where will you be when this bad thing happens and all you have is that cocoon that is now no longer safe? These are the questions that I have been asking myself.

I think that I have finally reached that point of clarity that is telling me that unless I change my ways, I will never be able to have the things that I want or achieve the comforts of life that I so desperately desire. Thankfully, I got the inkling that I needed this change several months ago when I started talking to D. She has helped me to see that I am able to change and that the responsibility to control this change actually lies with me. No one can do it for me. It wasn't until this past weekend though that I realized I have no choice but to change. It is time to get serious about taking the steps needed to redirect the aspects of my life that are unsatisfying and cause me anxiety. But that is easier said than done. The realization that I have no choice but to get out of bed, step out of this comfort zone and get on with life is the first step. Baby steps....baby steps. One day at a time. One change of thought at a time. Pennies make dollars, right? It's what I'm counting on....

Exit 2 - The Body

The only thing that each of us bring into this world is the same and only thing thing that we take with us...our body. It is the only thing that each of us actually own. All of our possessions, accumulations, vices and prides are only badges that we acquire through living. But in the end, we must all lay those down. They cannot go with us. Why is it that this one true possession becomes a burden for some, yet a trophy for others? Some people are born blessed with physical beings that others will always look upon with admiration. Some are not. What I have come to discover is that, in reality, our bodies and physical attributes affect the way we view or selves with so much gusto. Our personal stock is so often driven by either our physical beauty...or in some cases, the lack thereof. But at the heart of it, it's really all the same thing. We as humans are all experiencing this same phenomenon. The problem is that some are left with confidence while others are left with feelings of inadequacy or sadness. This genetic inequity will consume those that are not able to transcend that need for approval from others.

I, sadly, am completely guilty of being am accomplice in this farce. In my life, I have placed so much weight on the way that I look that it has become a real problem for me. All my life, I have been told by people that I am an attractive person. Until several years ago, I used to think that was indeed the case. Early in my life, I always felt attractive and it was reinforced by those around me. Things used to come somewhat easy to me and I always thought that my looks and charm had something to play in that. Was that fair?...absolutely not, but did I use it?...absolutely.

But somewhere and sometime over the past several years, I lost this ability to believe that in myself. Where did it go? While, the reinforcement of it by others didn't stop, I was no longer able to see myself. Today, I see a very different person than I used to see in the mirror. In many ways, this is probably somewhat good. I would have most likely, in my youth, been considered arrogant and elitist. What has happened, though, is that I have completely slid to the other end of this spectrum. I can no longer even recognize the qualities about myself that I used to feel good about. Looking in the mirror I rarely, if ever, find much to be positive about. I immediately run to the negative. I see my receding hairline, my slowing metabolism, my love handles and the tiny hairs appearing in places where there used to be none. This is not a good place to be. While I do not want a return to the arrogance of my youth, I would love to regain the confidence that comes with feeling good about my body and my appearance.

The spill over of all of this is that not only am I aware of my diminished confidence, but others are as well. Silently, I will sit int the "corner" of a circle of friends. While they chat with others, some familiar and some new, I retreat further and further into my head. When no one approaches me, I sink into the thoughts that it must be my haggard appearance that has lead me to another trek home..alone...without a phone number...without the prospect of a date; I feel alone and sad. At times, I am objectively able to see that I have made no effort to meet others and so it is foolish of me to expect others to approach me. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? With my confidence lowered, how do I make that leap to get it back on the upswing?

D and I have been working on exercises that I can do to help me recognize the lies that I am telling myself so that I can attempt to cut them off at the pass...or if I miss that point, to rewrite them into a truth. For a while, it appeared I was doing a pretty good job at doing that. Lately though, I haven't been able to even see the lies. You know what I mean by these "lies." It's that voice in the back of your head that spouts off all the negative thoughts about yourself. It tells you that you don't deserve to be happy, you're fat, your ugly, and the worst of all the lies...that you somehow deserve to be alone. It is a formidable enemy. It is a horrifying enemy. It is one that you can't see and because of that, it is one that is so completely difficult to escape.

Life is about trying though. When you slip up, you just have to try again. I beat myself up for these slip ups which only complicates and postpones my getting "back on the horse." I've had a bad couple of weeks. It's not been good for me and those around me. I try to tell myself that everyone has bad days and that for any forward progress I may have, that chances are I will encounter more bad days in the future. D always tells me that it has to be a little uncomfortable...that I have to feel it a little bit for there to be progress. Hopefully when that happens, I will be strong enough to hunker down and weather it.

Exit 1 - The Beginning

It Begins.

I have created this blog as a way for me to help clear the noisy traffic and congestion in my head. I haven't told anyone that I am doing this, and I don't plan on telling anyone. This is for me. By keeping it secret, I will hopefully resist the temptation to censor myself. What can you expect from this? Well first of all, you can expect many grammatical errors and endless punctuation mistakes. I have never be a star pupil when it comes to writing. Hopefully, you will get a glimpse into my head and all the noise that keeps me up at night.

A little bit about myself. I am a late twenty-something living in the District of Columbia. I grew up in a small town, was born into a liberal family, was educated in the South and moved here directly after college. My life has changed dramatically over the past 6 years. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember the person I was before I moved to DC. One of the most significant changes is that I came out of the closet almost 5 years ago. Telling people that I am gay is something I am still dealing with. Coming out of the closet is only one small step in coming to terms with being gay. I used to think that telling the world would be the highest hurdle to clear and that I would get that sigh or relief that I was so desperately wanting. Unfortunately, telling myself was/is the highest of any hurdle I have encountered. One that I have yet to surmount.

Looking at my life on the whole, one would say I lead a completely charmed life. I'm educated, have a good job, have virtually no debt and I have an amazing family and wonderful friends. Despite this, I find myself disliking myself and my life more and more all the time. I wage a daily war against myself. Even the strongest of people can only fight that for so long, before the lies that you tell yourself become the truth. This is starting to affect me in ways that, until now, I didn't want to admit. I have lost any resemblance of confidence that I had in my younger years. My life, that on paper is so easy, has become extremely trying and exhausting. The burden of self dislike is an awfully crushing weight to bear. I despair in my body and appearance, I find fault with everything I do and I incessantly tell myself that I am unworthy of happiness and all the blessings in my life.

Now, I know you think I sound like a complete whiner and you can probably even hear the sound of a violin playing. You would probably tell me to get over myself. I havetried to do that many times to no avail. I try my best to monitor how much I let escape my mouth because I fear those closest to me will grow bored and disappear. No one likes being around someone who is so self-deprecating and negative. I feel like I'm spiraling downward at an uncontrollable and scary speed. It not been until recently that I have admitted to myself that this is happening and that I need help. I'm terrified.

So this blog is for me. If you read it, that's fine. You may think what you like of me. That's not something I can control. I'm putting these words down in an attempt to get them out of my head. Simply put, I must learn to fight for, not against, myself. The person I have turned to for help (let's call her D) suggested that I use writing to help. D told me to write down what I'm feeling and that is exactly what I intend to do. So, my journey has begun. I'm not quite sure where it ends, but all I can hope for is a sunny day.