Exit 2 - The Body

The only thing that each of us bring into this world is the same and only thing thing that we take with us...our body. It is the only thing that each of us actually own. All of our possessions, accumulations, vices and prides are only badges that we acquire through living. But in the end, we must all lay those down. They cannot go with us. Why is it that this one true possession becomes a burden for some, yet a trophy for others? Some people are born blessed with physical beings that others will always look upon with admiration. Some are not. What I have come to discover is that, in reality, our bodies and physical attributes affect the way we view or selves with so much gusto. Our personal stock is so often driven by either our physical beauty...or in some cases, the lack thereof. But at the heart of it, it's really all the same thing. We as humans are all experiencing this same phenomenon. The problem is that some are left with confidence while others are left with feelings of inadequacy or sadness. This genetic inequity will consume those that are not able to transcend that need for approval from others.

I, sadly, am completely guilty of being am accomplice in this farce. In my life, I have placed so much weight on the way that I look that it has become a real problem for me. All my life, I have been told by people that I am an attractive person. Until several years ago, I used to think that was indeed the case. Early in my life, I always felt attractive and it was reinforced by those around me. Things used to come somewhat easy to me and I always thought that my looks and charm had something to play in that. Was that fair?...absolutely not, but did I use it?...absolutely.

But somewhere and sometime over the past several years, I lost this ability to believe that in myself. Where did it go? While, the reinforcement of it by others didn't stop, I was no longer able to see myself. Today, I see a very different person than I used to see in the mirror. In many ways, this is probably somewhat good. I would have most likely, in my youth, been considered arrogant and elitist. What has happened, though, is that I have completely slid to the other end of this spectrum. I can no longer even recognize the qualities about myself that I used to feel good about. Looking in the mirror I rarely, if ever, find much to be positive about. I immediately run to the negative. I see my receding hairline, my slowing metabolism, my love handles and the tiny hairs appearing in places where there used to be none. This is not a good place to be. While I do not want a return to the arrogance of my youth, I would love to regain the confidence that comes with feeling good about my body and my appearance.

The spill over of all of this is that not only am I aware of my diminished confidence, but others are as well. Silently, I will sit int the "corner" of a circle of friends. While they chat with others, some familiar and some new, I retreat further and further into my head. When no one approaches me, I sink into the thoughts that it must be my haggard appearance that has lead me to another trek home..alone...without a phone number...without the prospect of a date; I feel alone and sad. At times, I am objectively able to see that I have made no effort to meet others and so it is foolish of me to expect others to approach me. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? With my confidence lowered, how do I make that leap to get it back on the upswing?

D and I have been working on exercises that I can do to help me recognize the lies that I am telling myself so that I can attempt to cut them off at the pass...or if I miss that point, to rewrite them into a truth. For a while, it appeared I was doing a pretty good job at doing that. Lately though, I haven't been able to even see the lies. You know what I mean by these "lies." It's that voice in the back of your head that spouts off all the negative thoughts about yourself. It tells you that you don't deserve to be happy, you're fat, your ugly, and the worst of all the lies...that you somehow deserve to be alone. It is a formidable enemy. It is a horrifying enemy. It is one that you can't see and because of that, it is one that is so completely difficult to escape.

Life is about trying though. When you slip up, you just have to try again. I beat myself up for these slip ups which only complicates and postpones my getting "back on the horse." I've had a bad couple of weeks. It's not been good for me and those around me. I try to tell myself that everyone has bad days and that for any forward progress I may have, that chances are I will encounter more bad days in the future. D always tells me that it has to be a little uncomfortable...that I have to feel it a little bit for there to be progress. Hopefully when that happens, I will be strong enough to hunker down and weather it.