Exit 1 - The Beginning

It Begins.

I have created this blog as a way for me to help clear the noisy traffic and congestion in my head. I haven't told anyone that I am doing this, and I don't plan on telling anyone. This is for me. By keeping it secret, I will hopefully resist the temptation to censor myself. What can you expect from this? Well first of all, you can expect many grammatical errors and endless punctuation mistakes. I have never be a star pupil when it comes to writing. Hopefully, you will get a glimpse into my head and all the noise that keeps me up at night.

A little bit about myself. I am a late twenty-something living in the District of Columbia. I grew up in a small town, was born into a liberal family, was educated in the South and moved here directly after college. My life has changed dramatically over the past 6 years. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember the person I was before I moved to DC. One of the most significant changes is that I came out of the closet almost 5 years ago. Telling people that I am gay is something I am still dealing with. Coming out of the closet is only one small step in coming to terms with being gay. I used to think that telling the world would be the highest hurdle to clear and that I would get that sigh or relief that I was so desperately wanting. Unfortunately, telling myself was/is the highest of any hurdle I have encountered. One that I have yet to surmount.

Looking at my life on the whole, one would say I lead a completely charmed life. I'm educated, have a good job, have virtually no debt and I have an amazing family and wonderful friends. Despite this, I find myself disliking myself and my life more and more all the time. I wage a daily war against myself. Even the strongest of people can only fight that for so long, before the lies that you tell yourself become the truth. This is starting to affect me in ways that, until now, I didn't want to admit. I have lost any resemblance of confidence that I had in my younger years. My life, that on paper is so easy, has become extremely trying and exhausting. The burden of self dislike is an awfully crushing weight to bear. I despair in my body and appearance, I find fault with everything I do and I incessantly tell myself that I am unworthy of happiness and all the blessings in my life.

Now, I know you think I sound like a complete whiner and you can probably even hear the sound of a violin playing. You would probably tell me to get over myself. I havetried to do that many times to no avail. I try my best to monitor how much I let escape my mouth because I fear those closest to me will grow bored and disappear. No one likes being around someone who is so self-deprecating and negative. I feel like I'm spiraling downward at an uncontrollable and scary speed. It not been until recently that I have admitted to myself that this is happening and that I need help. I'm terrified.

So this blog is for me. If you read it, that's fine. You may think what you like of me. That's not something I can control. I'm putting these words down in an attempt to get them out of my head. Simply put, I must learn to fight for, not against, myself. The person I have turned to for help (let's call her D) suggested that I use writing to help. D told me to write down what I'm feeling and that is exactly what I intend to do. So, my journey has begun. I'm not quite sure where it ends, but all I can hope for is a sunny day.